Solitary Retreat

A Simple, Short, Breathing Meditation

2010-09-23T14:36:00.008+01:00

Every morning, before breakfast, find a quiet place to sit where you wont be disturbed.

Get yourself really comfortable and rest your hands on your lap.

Close your eyes and then mentally go through your body and relax the muscles in your toes, legs, belly, arms, chest, neck, mouth, forehead.

Don't worry if you don't remember the list, just remember to relax your body by focusing on the different parts. It helps to clench the muscle then release. Breathe into each of the muscles as you tighten & breathe out as you release.

Once you've relaxed your body and face turn your mind to your breath.

All you're going to do is count your breath. Nothing more.

Breath in Breath out ~ count one
Breath in Breath out ~ count two
Breath in breath out ~count three

continue until ten.

Then you change to counting the out breath:
Breathe out breathe in ~ count one
Breathe out breathe in~ count two
Breathe out breathe in ~ count three

continue till ten.

After that just sit for a moment. Let any thoughts that drift through your mind pass by without getting caught up in them. If you find you are getting caught up in them just focus on your breath again.

Some Notes

Everything you do, your breathing, when you relax your muscles, the way you move, all that should be a gentle action. Its a bit like when you're grumpy, if you force yourself to smile it kind of makes you cheer up a bit. So making your actions gentle, sort of tricks your mind into feeling more gentle (or more relaxed!)

You'll probably experience a barage of thoughts. Don't let this dishearten you. Meditation is all about practice. In fact some people call it practice instead of meditation! The trick is to stay calm and just return your focus to your breath. Another thought will come, just return your focus to your breath.

You might find you forget what number you were at! Don't try & remember, just start at one again! Its not the counting that's important, rather, it's the practice of returning your focus to your breath whenever a thought arises that's important.

One of the hardest things about meditation is actually starting it! Everyone is the same! Just keep trying :)

Offered with much love,
hen
x

Meditation Tips

2009-11-09T15:51:00.005Z

See also -

Getting Started in Meditation

Breathing Meditation

Here's some things I find useful - in no particular order...

1) don't try and do too much at once. 5 mins a day is plenty for your first few go's. Of course if you feel like you want to do more go ahead!

2) During meditation you may experience a mind that seems louder than you thought it was. This is ok, it's normal and it will pass with practice.

Practice is the key. When a thought arises, and you notice it has arisen move your focus onto your breath or on to the rising and falling of your belly. It may get frustrating at times, but even if you have to do it a millions times over it's all practice and it's perfectly normal. It's what meditation is - mind training. Mind excercise.

Thoughts appear and thoughts go away, like waves in an ocean. Let your thoughts ebb and flow without getting caught up in them or angry at the fact they're there and gradually you'll have a meditation where you felt no grasping at these thoughts at all.

I dream of that day!! :)

3) Try and get a routine. It helps to have a place especially set up for meditating. It's all about creating the conditions conducive to switching your brain into meditation mode. Like putting on a suit and going to an office - it's conducive to setting your brain to working mode. The more you use that meditation space the more it will take on that role.

5mins in the morning before breakfast (if poss') and then 5mins before bed is a great starting point. They are two points in the day that are generally fixed.

4) Mindfulness Bells. There is a buddhist teacher, an amazing teacher, called Thich Nhat Hanh. He taught me about mindfulness bells. Normally it would be an actual bell, but in day to day life I like to pick a 'thing' that I can use as a mindfulness bell - normally it's when ever I see someone smile. If you wear any jewellery or have a favourite wild plant you could use that as a mindfulness bell. Whenever one of those things catches your eye just take a moment. Focus on your breath or the rising and falling of your belly, just for 3 breaths. No more, just 3 breaths. Then continue with your day.

5) Meditating with others. This is really helpful. It is possible that you might be able to find a christian or other religion/nonreligion based meditation group. It is important that you have your own meditation routine at home though.

6) Do be physically comfortable when you meditate. If during meditation you feel uncomfortable adjust your position. You'll soon get comfy.

Any other tips to add?

A Simple Breathing Meditation

2009-11-09T15:45:00.009Z

"Breathing in I calm my body. Breathing out I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment!"
- Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

Breathing Meditation

See also -

Meditation Tips

Getting Started in Meditation

This meditation will take about 20 minutes.

Get into position and just sit quietly for a moment, breathing naturally and letting the feeling of busyness settle in your mind and body. With your eyes closed notice the sensation of your body sitting on the cushion.

Mentally work through your body, starting at your feet, relaxing each muscle as your mind passes it. Adjust your position, if you need to, at this stage. Relax your shoulders, let them drop and hang comfortably supported by your lap. Relax your face, your eyebrows, your jaw, your lips, your eyes.

When you are ready, start to count your breath. Place the count before your breath...

Count one - breathe in, count two - breathe out, count three - breathe in

Continue this until you reach ten, then begin again at one.

If you forget what number you're at, don't worry, just start again at one.

You will soon realise your mind has wandered off from this counting. It's very important that you don't lose patience with yourself when this happens. It happens to everybody!

Just gentley and kindly return your attention to your breathing and start your count at one. Keep doing this for the whole 20 minutes if you need to. It's okay, just continue this practice and it will get 'easier'!

After 5 minutes place the count after your breath.

Breathe in - count one, breathe out - count two, breathe in - count three...

Continue this till you reach ten, then begin again at one.

After 5 minutes stop counting and just focus on your breathing.

To help stay focused bring your attention to the point where your breath enters your body. It might be the top of your lip or where your breath enters your nostrils.

If you find this is too distracting you may find it helpful to focus on the gentle rise and fall of your belly as you breathe in and breathe out. Choose whichever you feel suits you.

After 5 minutes, stop your focus on your breath and 'Just Sit'.

Allow your mind to experience the space created by your meditation. Thoughts may arise, let them, observe them, don't hold on to them, let them pass.

You may feel peaceful, calm. This last 5 minutes is for you to enjoy this feeling.

When you are ready, gradually allow your mind to return it's attention to your body, and then to the room you are meditating in.

Open your eyes!

Getting Started in Meditation

2009-11-09T15:34:00.008Z

"In meditation, effort must be applied in a direction opposite to what we are used to.
Our 'effort' must be to relax ever more deeply. We must ultimately release the tension from both our muscles and our thoughts. When we relax so deeply that we are able to internalize the energy of the senses, the mind becomes focused and a tremendous flow of energy is awakened".

John Novak, Lessons in Meditation

Getting Started in Meditation

See also -

Meditation Tips

Breathing Meditation

Positions

Crossed Legged on the Floor
Sitting Astride Cushions
Sitting on a Hard Backed chair
Keeping Warm
Some Helpful Tips

Important Information

To stop from repeating myself I've put most of the information needed under the title 'Crossed Legged on the Floor', so be sure to read this section even if you are not going to be using this position. However, the best advice for getting started or to snap you out of bad habits is to get yourself to a meditation class and ask the advice of the meditation guide there.

Choosing the right position for meditation is very important. We are used to seeing perfectly poised meditators, cross legged on the floor. However, this does not mean that the only way to successfully meditate is if we sit like that. Finding the right position for us to meditate in can be a good practice in showing loving kindness for our bodies and accepting it's needs. As is the practice of being humble. Our ego can make us feel we should be twisting and straining our bodies into a percieved 'best' position, distracting us from our true goal - meditation!

Not many of us are used to sitting in one position for longer than a few minutes. So, please don't expect your body to sit cross legged for 15 minutes without cramps and loss of feeling in the feet! It is worth remembering that meditation is not a physical endurance excercise. It is perfectly reasonable to sit on a hard backed chair to meditate, many people do. Below I have attempted to describe ways of making yourself comfy in different meditation positions. Get in touch with your own meditation tips.

Remember; If it feels a little bit uncomfortable now, after 5 mins meditating it'll be all you can think about. After 10 mins you'll be praying for the 20 mins to be up. When you finally reach the 20 mins it'll take you another 5 mins to get out of position and another 10mins to regain circulation to your feet!

Take as much time as you like to get yourself the right position and you'll come out of your meditation feeling refreshed, energised and surprised it was over so quickly!

Sitting Cross Legged on a Cushion and Mat on the Floor

Cross legged can mean:

1) the normal position of both legs crossed one into the other.
2) one leg sitting atop the other.
3) one leg sitting in front of the other in the cross legged shape.
4) Lotus position. Both feet resting in the crook of your hip or atop your knees, soles facing upwards.

Find which ever is most comfortable for you.

The Mat

Place a rectangular mat or a folded thick blanket on the floor. It should be wide and deep enough for you to sit cross legged on without any of your bits hanging off the edge.

It should be of a thickness that stops any bony bits on your knees, feet and ankles from feeling the pressure that comes from being on a hard surface.

Tip: Another way to help relieve pressure on your feet and ankles is to get some rolled up socks and place them under your ankles.

The Cushion

The cushion you are to put your bum on should be firm and thick enough to protect any bony bits from undue pressure and to lift your bum to help put your spine in the right position. It should be big enough to accomodate you comfortably and be stable so your not leaning to one side and feel you could fall off!

What to do with your arms

To position your arms you could use the meditation mudra; your right hand, palm upward, atop your left palm, with your thumbs softly touching and your hands gentley resting on your lap (using a rolled up pair of socks for your hands to rest on relieves strain on your shoulders).

Alternatively your arms can be rested on your knees/legs, palms upward.

What to Look Out For

When you sit on the cushion bring your awareness to the shape of your back. Is it straight? Do you feel comfortably balanced on your bum bones?

If your shoulders are hunched in a slouchy kind of way this will prevent you from feeling alert and you may start to get a nodding dog effect during your meditation as you try to fall asleep! It will also be unhealthy for your spine and neck. It may be because your cushion is too low. Try putting another firm cushion on top of your current one, it should help. Keep fiddling till you feel comfortable.

If the bottom of your back is curved in towards your belly then your cushions are too high and this will become very uncomfortable not very long into your meditation. It is also unhealthy for your spine. So take the time, have a fiddle and get the height of your cushions right.

When you have done this check to see if you are feeling any pressure points, stress or strain in your torso, legs and feet. If your knees or thighs are feeling strained try putting a cushion under either one or both knees. Just lifting them a little can make an amazing difference! Don't forget the rolled up socks under your ankles to help pressure there.

Sitting Astride Cushions

As the title suggests you can also put two or more cushions on your mat and sit astride them. It is very important to be aware of the shape of your back, as described above.

The best tip for this position is the rolled up socks. Pressure can build up on your ankles, so putting a pair of rolled up socks under them relieves that.

Sitting on a Hard Backed Chair

I find that a solid dining room chair is best for this position. It is not comfy enough for me to fall asleep in and it helps to keep the back straight.

The best thing to do is to lift the two legs at the back of the chair with a couple of blocks as thick as thick books. YOU MUST MAKE SURE IT IS STABLE. This puts your back into a good position and keeps you feeling alert. You can fiddle about with how high you need to lift the back legs. It's easy, if it's too high you'll keep sliding off!

You can also place a cushion under your feet for more comfort in your legs.

Lying Down

If you have a bad back and nothing above is helping you, then lying down is probably a good idea. Don't be surprised to find that this position can induce sleep!

Lie on a full length mat or thick blanket to keep you warm and prevent pressure points. Place a cushion under your knees to support your back and if you need it support your head with a cushion. It may help to place a rolled up towel under your neck to keep it straight. Place your arms beside you palms up and make sure you will stay warm by putting a blanket over you. I have found that putting small cushions under my hands helps to prevent strain on my shoulders and neck.

Keeping Warm

It can make you sleepy if the room you are sitting in is too warm. It's best to be in a fresh feeling room and use a blanket to stop you getting cold.

A thin blanket wrapped around your shoulders or waist is warm and can be supporting for your back. It can also give you something to rest your hands in.

Some Helpful TIps

1) If you can help it don't meditate on a full stomach or an empty stomach. A full one will make you feel tired, heavy and probably need the loo. An empty one will start to rumble and be distracting and uncomfortable for you.

2) Remember to empty your bowels before sitting.

3) Make sure you wont be thirsty.

4) Try to choose a time that you wont be distracted. Unplug your phone.

5) Set an atmosphere condusive to peace and calm. You could do this by dimming the lights, lighting a candle and some incense.

6) Before starting to meditate, get into position check how your body feels, adjust your cushions and just sit for a few minutes. Let the busyness of the day settle a little and then re-check how your body feels. You can then re-adjust your cushions if you need to or move the incense away from your nose!

7) Don't forget to be kind to yourself. Meditation is not easy. Your mind will wander, your body will want to do anything but sit there, your nose will itch and you'll probably want to go to sleep. The worst thing you can do is get caught up in the feeling of anger that can arise. Approach these issues with kindness and calm and you will be practicing one of the hardest aspects of meditation.

8) If you're really uncomfortable, it's okay to move!

Day 13 - The Last Day

2009-06-04T16:39:00.004+01:00

"To see clearly, to see things as they are, free from illusion, is the goal of spiritual practise."
-Andrew Cohen. (Embracing Heaven and Earth, p.55)

Got up early this morning & enjoyed a beautiful stretch in the fresh sunny (!!!) air. I've cleaned the cottage thoroughly. The environment you enter into is important to help condition the mind for good practice. I'm not saying you need a clean house to be happy! What I have a strong sense about is that when you arrive somewhere new, to embark on something challenging, you want a warm welcome & a clean house. Order.

If my other half reads this he'll laugh himself off his chair!

There's the jets... That's my cue to leave.

____________________________________________

Some things I'll miss from this place...

My bed. Many wonderful dreams and fears played out here.

My desk. Where I wrote this diary, mostly. A spot with energy in it. I'll also miss the squeaky chair. :)

The conservatory. Wonderful spot. Lots of knitting and meditating, gazing and writing happened in here.

Goodbye little cottage. :)

The path home.

I'll miss me. The hen that was at the cottage. I know in my heart that no matter how much I try, when I get home I'll forget about what I felt and became here. Not completely, but enough to make it important I come again. Crucial in fact.

“…can you nail down a cloud in the sky or tie them up with rope?”
-Zen Master About truth.

Thank you for sharing my retreat with me. I hope it has gone some way to helping you take the steps towards doing your own retreat. Please get in touch if you have anything that you want to discuss.

Soon I'll write a wee bit about how this retreat affected me in the days and months after going home. I'll also gradually put up the diary from my first ever solitary retreat. It was nerve wracking but one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Never been the same since.

Wishing you happiness always,

hen

Day 12 - Faith

2009-06-04T15:21:00.007+01:00

Had a 'nice' sit this morning & then a lovely sit in the conservatory with breakfast. The sun is out and, at last, birds!! Everywhere! Really feisty little gangs of tiny birds!

The cat came & got really close to a bird. She was like liquid coming over the wall. Awesome for such a little thing.

Took a morning stroll around the mound the cottage is on. Lots of brilliantly coloured & weirdly shaped mushrooms, took many photos...

There's more photos of multi coloured mushrooms on DAY 6.

I've sent some time writing a welcome letter to the next retreatant... Getting a deep sense of connection with the unbroken line of people who have been to this place over the years, to meditate, be alone, study, be... Each adding and taking away. I'm grateful, so grateful.

My tummy is bad, I feel a bit eurk. Subtly eurk, but definitely not right. I wonder if it's psychosomatic? I'm slightly worried about leaving here tomorrow. The last time I left a solitary retreat I felt like I was an open wound with everything around me rubbing salt in. Very painful experience. Took me a few days to harden up again. I wonder what it will be like this time?

Well, I've cleaned the conservatory & shower. Taken things to the car & now I'm finally going to go & do a sit & a puja before bedtime.

That was a lovely sit. Nothing insightful, just very peaceful and loving. I really meant the puja too. Which is very interesting to me...

I never really thought I had faith. Turns out I probably do.

Warm hugs and much love,

hen

Going for Refuge to the Three Jewels

2009-02-28T01:16:00.006Z

I was inspired to post this by G over at Buddha Space. His post Buddhism and Science: Superstition brought to my mind many things which culminated in my revisiting what it means to me to be a practicing Buddhist. So I've stripped back how I practice Buddhism to it's basics.

--------------------------------

Buddhists go for refuge to the Three Jewels. It is this that seperates a Buddhist from a non-Buddhist. It means we have decided to follow in the shoes of Buddha Shakyamuni, as we believe the teachings he gave, 2500 years ago, are relevant to our attainment of happiness now. The core teaching of Buddha Shakymuni is the Four Noble Truths -

All existence is dukkha.
(un-satisfactoriness, suffering).

The cause of dukkha is craving.

The cessation of dukkha comes with the cessation of craving.

There is a path that leads from dukkha. The Noble eightfold path.

It is important to understand that going for refuge does not mean 'an escape to anyone', or a 'giving in to' anything. We are each responsible for our own practice, our own happiness. The Buddha himself pressed the point that we should not just take his word for it, but test his teachings against our own experience.

The physical and mental act of going for refuge to the Three Jewels (outlined at the bottom of the post), can offer supreme inspiration and support to our practice. It is a daily reminder of our decision to study the teachings (Dharma Jewel) of Buddha Shakyamuni (Buddha Jewel) and join with others practicing the same spiritual path (Sangha Jewel).

The Buddha Jewel

Buddha Shakyamuni was a real person, like you or me. He lived 2500 years ago and it was he who, after he attained enlightenment and became an 'awakened one' or 'Buddha', chose to share his wisdom with us. The Buddha jewel reminds us that we too can be awakened, that it is possible to be released from cravings and end our suffering.

Going for refuge to the Buddha Jewel is a reminder of what we are aiming for and a motivation for achieving it.

The Dharma Jewel

After Buddha Shakyamuni attained enlightenment he wasn't sure if others would understand him, if he tried to teach them what he had learned. He meditated on this and had the vision of a bed of Lotus flowers...

They were growing out of sticky, wet mud. Some of the buds were still under the mud pushing their way up to the light. Some buds were just bursting through the mud, not yet opened. Some were above the mud, untouched by it, petals clean and open to the sun. He knew this meant that each of us have the potential to attain enlightenment, but we are all at different stages of ability to accept the Dharma. So he gave teachings. It is from this core of teachings that Buddhism as a practice was born.

Studying the Dharma, and practicing it, is what Buddhists believe will help them to attain enlightenment, this is why we go for refuge to the Dharma Jewel.

The Sangha Jewel

Sangha is the spiritual community that practices the Dharma. As I said at the top of this post, it is our own responsibility to practice. The Dharma is there for the taking. Nobody will force us to practice it, noone can wave a magic Dharma wand and free us from suffering, it's down to us. However, being with people who have the same aim as you, who are trying to learn what you are learning, who may have had the same difficulties as you, or who may be more experienced than you, can be of great support and inspiration.

Guidance from a spiritual teacher that you resonate with, someone who is further down the Dharma path than you, can be the key to success in your practice. This is why we go for refuge to the Sangha Jewel.

Going for Refuge Mantra

Reciting the mantra's below can help to deepen our experience of going for refuge to the Three Jewels. It is normally performed everyday and is associated with prostration. If you would like to prostrate while reciting these mantras you can simply bring your hands together mindfully at your chest and bow deeply. This can be done in front of a shrine, which can have a Buddha statue on it or something that represents your Buddhist meditative practice. I often prostrate to a tree or beautiful view. If it is more appropriate I prostrate in my mind by immersing myself in the visualisation of prostrating and mantra recitation.

I go for refuge to the Buddha Jewel
I go for refuge to the Dharma Jewel
I go for refuge to the Sangha Jewel
repeat 3 times

Alternatively you could recite this Sanskrit form of the mantra -

Om Namo Manjushriye, Namo Sushriye, Namo Uttama Shriye Soha
repeat 3 times

(trans. I pay homage to the Buddha, I pay homage to the Dharma, I pay homage to the Sangha)

hen

Day 11 - I see Monkeys in the Wall - Afternoon

2009-02-24T12:25:00.021Z

Please read first: Day 11 - I see monkeys in the wall - Morning :)

What an afternoon!!

Worlds within worlds.

I wrote out and studied the Heart Sutra and some devotional texts, had another sit and went out for a walk. I almost immediately started singing a little tune. Improvising a folk melody, like I used to years ago, as I walked up the hill. The wind was getting pretty serious but I remembered I could record my tune if I took a video. So I did. Probably wont be able to hear any of it over the wind though!

Then I started to, for want of a better word, 'bliss' out. No other word for it. I had a deeply blissful experience. By the time I got back to the cottage I was almost euphoric! In amongst it all I felt a very deep sense of gratitude for Dharma and for those that teach it, obviously Buddha Shakyamuni for sharing it in the first place (now there's faith for you!). All this arose within me of it's own free will! Happy!

Then would you believe it, I was making my curry, doing some yoga and I decided to go for a walk. I managed to get quite close to the cat as it was pooing because the wind was in my favour. Anyway, that's not what I meant to write...

Worlds within worlds

I finished my yoga, my walk and was just finishing my curry when I noticed a rainbow starting to happen on one side of the valley. So I zoomed out. Well, the rainbow wasn't just a rainbow. It was a RAINBOW!!! It spanned the length of the valley before me and was a double rainbow. The colours were so intense, more colours than I had ever seen in a rainbow. I could see it from where it touched the ground at both ends and the middle of it was right in front of me! Glorious!

I managed to run back inside for my camera and catch the tail end of the rainbow.

There is part of me that believes those two experiences, (the blissful feeling on my walk and the intensity of the rainbow) were a direct result of practice (Meditation, mindfulness, devotional puja and study of the Buddha's teachings). There is a larger part of me that believes that, than thinks it was all just coincidence. Obviously my practice didn't conjure up the rainbow. My experience of the rainbow however was intensified and made real by my practice.

Randomly I have just spotted, for the first time, a face someone has sculpted in the wall outside the conservatory door!

Lovely sit and puja this evening. Oh, it's been such a wonderful day! I'm filled with the urge to write a thank you letter to Sangharakshita!

Last Thursday I drew a calendar. It consisted of 8 squares which were named, Thursday through to Thursday. Each with their relevant number, 1 through 8. I think I did this because I wanted the week to go faster. I've been ticking off each day! I remembered I wanted to use ticks instead of crosses to mark the passing of the days. Some big psychological thing or something. Well, I do feel really glad to be going back to see my family but I am sad about leaving here. It's not so much that I'll miss the cottage or the area. More that I'll miss this clarity of mind.

Day 11 - I See Monkeys in the Wall - Morning

2009-02-03T13:09:00.009Z

Got an insight into the non-linear nature of existence in this mornings sit. How it's all connected and why it is important I practice . The Bodhisattva ideal is the way.

Which is nice.

As I said the other day, anger, hatred, attachments... exactly what am I directing them to? A bundle of atoms and expressions of the effects of causes that are so infinite as to be indefinable. There's not one bit that can be grasped on to in order to direct the anger, hatred, fear, attachments. So the feelings dissipate.

Personally I think this mornings sit was so productive because I was wearing my horny head bag.

Funny faces are great! I took a couple of photos last night of me wearing my new hat. As today is an insightful day, while I was looking at the photos I saw the four stages of hen... I haven't laughed so much for ages! I nearly wet myself, tears, actual tears running down my face. Love it!

I am here in dependance upon 'others'. Well, 'others' is not a satisfactory term. Any kindness shown to me, benefits all beings. Any kindness I show, benefits all beings.

The causes that led to me being sat on this seat are infinite. We are all connected. Everything is connected. All things really do arise in dependance of a cause.

I suppose in order to carry that wisdom with me throughout everyday life I will need to practice as much as I can so it becomes habitual.

I read a bit more of 'What is the Dharma' by Sangharakshita it is so well written. Very readable and friendly. I think I am beginning to understand a little about Buddhism. With the help of that book, my retreat experiences and my nature. I think I am finally getting it.

It is really quite important that I join a Sangha and get stuck in.

I saw a stoat today. I think it was a stoat. Beautiful, quite slinky and small. I startled him. There is a beautiful cow asleep on a grassy mound. Curled up like a dog, her head resting on the ground, fast asleep in the sunny rain.

It's not right how much I love Boursin.

Day 10 - Butterflies, Bees and Webs

2009-01-10T12:31:00.014Z

Couldn't sleep last night.

Did about 10 Sudoku puzzles and read an entire Calvin and Hobbes book. It occurred to me that had I been reading a Dharma book I would no doubt have fallen asleep straight away!

This morning it WASN'T raining! The Sun actually CAME OUT! So I got every window and door open in the house and the conservatory! Hoorah!

I sat outside with my breakfast and had a most amazing experience. Lazily I had my legs resting on the makeshift table as I leaned against the wall. My bottle of juice was on the table.

A butterfly, a big one, came and rested on the blue bottle top! Exquisite!

Butterflies are so hairy! Hairy is beautiful! The thorax was covered in this silky fine hair that shimmered petrol blue in the Sun. He walked around and around the bottle top trying to get something to eat from under the lid.

He was so close I could see his proboscis curl into a perfect spiral and unfurl to taste the sugars from the fruit juice under the lid. Butterflies have very haughty faces, their nose stuck right up in the air, very proud and beautiful. I can imagine him constantly fixing his bow tie and fussing with his hair!

After a long while he flew up and rested on my hair. When he got fed up with that he settled on my leg. Stretched himself out as big as he could to catch the rays of the Sun on his perfect, dusty, painted wings and stayed there, for a very, very long time. My knees hurt and I needed a drink but there was no way I was moving. I was in a beautifully blissed out trance. Most peculiar and most wonderful!

He flew away.

So I had a drink and moved my legs and another one flew in! I know it was a different butterfly because this one had a notch out of one wing and was smaller. Still very beautiful and this one was very industrious trying for the food under the lid of my fruit juice bottle. He tried much harder then the last one and it paid off, he got some!

Ages and ages he was, going around and around the bottle top, flapping away at the little flies that were after some fruity action. Oh, it was just fabulous! Finally, I had to move. So I slowly, slowly got up and went inside for a stretch and my camera. As I got up he fluttered a way a little but came straight back. I sat back down to carry on watching him, but this time I made the mistake of taking his picture. It was fine until the camera made a noise and then he fluttered away and didn't come back again.

While the butterfly was trying to feed from the bottle lid a large honey bee came to have a look too. The butterfly saw it off though! The poor bee, shocked at being attacked by a butterfly, flew away a bit too quickly and didn't look where he was going, he landed straight in the middle of a spiders web! He fluzzed this way and that way getting himself more and more tangled up in the sticky web. At one point I thought he was a goner as his wings looked so fragile and I couldn't imagine they could escape damage by the sticky web. Luckily though, he managed to struggle himself free! Phew!

It was interesting, immediately on seeing that the bee was trapped I thought I had to free him from the spider web. The bee must be saved, by me, I was the only that could stop the bee becoming lunch for a spider. I managed to stop myself. What about the spider? That bee would have sorted him out with sustenance for a very long time. So I did nothing and just observed. It felt liberating not intervening.

I have had many thoughts about my life today. Sort of tumbling thoughts from one thing to the next. I feel more aware of what things trouble me from my past experiences than I have ever been. It's good to know that I can identify so many. I might list them, but I hope I don't.

The realisation today was that those past experiences were the effect of an infinite amount of causes. Not one cause is to blame. To cast blame or direct anger/hatred at any one situation/person would be 'inaccurate' to say the least. So my negative feelings kind of dissipated. Lovely!

I'm not trying to say that thinking of difficult experiences from my past doesn't make me feel sad anymore but I have a real sense that there's no point being angry or hateful. Who or what am I going to direct those feelings to? Amazing!

So, anyway, aside from lots of sitting around and walking about in a very slow manner in the sunshine, I knitted. I'm nearly finished my trinity head bag. It should be all sewn up and on my head by tomorrow evening. Yippee!

Today was a day of the outer world coming in. Jets, for goodness sake. So close above the house I had to put my fingers in my ears, nearly dropping a stitch and I could almost see the faces of the pilots. Terrible! It's the ripping sound that's the worst bit. Then when I was meditating another one hurtled passed. That was horrible. The ripping sound tore through the core of my brain! Then a cow did a funny 'moo' and I laughed.

So I ended my sit. Ho hum.

I've had a dicky tummy this afternoon. Not sure why. I feel a bit rubbish in my emotional brain too. I really want to go home all of a sudden. Well, I shouldn't say go 'home', I don't have a home as such. I just want to feel safe. That's it. That's all. I'm a little kid scared of people with nowhere to hide.

So there we have it. Fear. It always comes back to fear and my intense craving to change feeling afraid. This craving to change feeling afraid, however normal it may seem, is not helping me. I have to learn to let go, of all of it. Probably much wiser to fear craving than fear itself!

I really have to practice more.

What is fear anyway? In the dictionary it gives a few definitions and examples...here are two of them..

1) "a feeling of distress, apprehension or alarm caused by impending danger, pain..."
2) "possiblity, chance"

Intriguing that number 2 is given as a definition of fear! We are all fearful of change, of course, I just didn't expect it to be in the dictionary!

Why is it bad to crave not to feel fearful? How can that possibly be a bad thing? Perhaps because of these...

1) not wanting to be fearful is a dualistic point of view.
2) being fearful is mostly... hang on... I'm not thinking about this correctly. Of course fear is suffering. That does not mean it's wrong to crave not to be fearful. Just like it's not a bad thing to crave the Dharma or to crave happiness. Ultimately however all craving has to be let go of. All of it. Even craving the Dharma.

Lordy.

More knitting I think.

Day 9 - Well, that was interesting!

2009-01-05T23:34:00.004Z

Turned out that yesterday was interesting. I found sitting to meditate very tricky. Almost irritating. About an hour is all I managed & I didn't do a puja. There was only one pang of fear the whole evening and that was no where near as bad as the other evenings. It's hard not to analyse it. But I suppose it's inevitable that I will, so here goes...

Scenario 1 -

I was worrying about the Saturday night as it was the agricultural show party. Although it was miles away and down in the valley, I was tricking myself into thinking maybe they'd all hear about me up in the hills, by myself, and in a drunken stupor try and find me. So when it came to the actual evening I just 'shut down'. Subconsciously I closed my mind to fear in order to protect myself from suffering. My headache came from the stress of it all.

Scenario 2 -

The realisation I had the other night really has changed my perception of fear at a deeper level. The fact I found it challenging to meditate was because I ate too many krisprolls with Boursin cheese on them. My headache came from knitting too long in the same position.

Scenario 3 -

None of the above. I wasn't scared because there was nothing to be scared of.

Causality

"Unskilfull mental states are preceded by mind, led by mind and made up of mind. If one speaks or acts with an impure mind suffering follows him even as the cart-wheel follows the hoof of the ox.
Skillful mental states are preceded by mind, led by mind and made up of mind. If one speaks or acts with a pure mind happiness follows her like her shadow."

First verses of the Dhammapada

OooooHhhhhh!!!! Stretching is sooOOooo good! Keeping the body feeling comfortable is so important for practice. duh!

There are five orders of conditionality (niyamas)

Physical inorganic
Physical organic
Psychological
Karmic
Transcendental

There is no way of knowing for sure which conditions brought about which effects.

"If one gets a fever, it may be a chill caused by a sudden change in temperature; or one may have caught a viral infection; or perhaps one has succumbed to illness as a result of some kind of mental strain; or it may even have been caused by an unskilfull action commited in the past; or it may even be the effect on one's transcendental insight. Thus the same end result may have been brought about by something physical, something biological, something psychological, something karmic or something transcendental - or a combination of two or more of these".

What is the Dharma, Sangharakshita pg164

Too many biscuits hen's belly arises
not many biscuits hen's belly does not arise.

Just been knitting my new hat and having lots of rambling thoughts. Well they led me to a memory about when I kept having insights about fractals. For years I was obsessed with the fact that all existence was a fractal or perhaps even a series of fractals. If you can picture infinite fractals all joined together, that's kind of what I imagined and how I imagine Indras Jeweled net. All identical and interconnected but totally unique.

I remember being so taken with this idea I wrote my friend a letter outlining my experiences and thoughts! I also remember trying to learn about fractals as the scientific world explained them. I even started to read the book Chaos, unfortunately my tiny mind got bored.

Day 8 a - First week summary

2008-12-29T01:01:00.008Z

Here are some things that I have learned/experienced this week...

We are not separate from nature. We really aren't.
I love to take pictures of mushrooms and sunsets.
I have a fear of humans and our capacity to inflict our suffering on each other and the Earth.
When you experience suffering you are in a position to empathise with others. Empathy is a huge help in the practice of compassion.
When you face fear or pain with compassion, suffering appears to subside.
Experiencing the interconnection between suffering and compassion, it's clear that one simply cannot exist without the other and as such neither exist as I perceive them to.
When there is nothing else to do, I do yoga.
'as within, so without'
Dependant Origination - "If this arises, then that will arise. If this does not arise then that will not arise".
I am inspired by tempestuous nature.
I need to be aware of the suffering that manifests in my mind in order to perceive the true reality of being human. I then need to use this awareness to practice compassion and be of use to the World and ultimately help as many beings as possible find true happiness.
I'm confused but, relatively, very happy.

hen
xx

Day 7 - Cold wind blows, rain it falls

2008-12-20T00:28:00.007Z

The weather is very windy, cold and rainy.

"We should work like the rain, the rain just falls. It doesn;t ask Am I making a nice sound below? Or, will the plants be glad to see me? Will they be grateful? The rain just falls, one raindrop after another. Millions and billions of raindrops, only falling. This is the open secret of Zen."
- Jakusho Kwong

Been reading a lot today. Mainly Dharma Rain. It contains great wisdom. I love it! Read Joanna Macy's interview with Inquiring mind. Lots in it. Mainly causality.

"If the world is to be healed through human efforts, I am convinced it will be by ordinary people, people whose love for this life is even greater than their fear, people who can open to the web of life that called us into being, and who can rest in the vitality of that larger body."
- Joanna Macy. Dharma Rain pg 138

Had a very lovely afternoon, in the rain, under my umbrella. Sitting by the tree grove is just magical. Experienced some strong moments of interconnection. Looking out across the valley sparked a lot of these experiences. Until, that is, I noticed a bus stopping and 3 people get off and walk up the lane at the bottom of the hill. Probably to go to the farmhouse but it's so far away it was impossible for me to see clearly.

I've realised just how afraid of people I am. This whole retreat has been laced with an underlying fear of visitors. I can feel it knotting in my stomach now. I've really noticed this fear growing over the past few years. It's good to be able to observe it clearly.

Right then. Been painting, which was very pleasing. I also went for a walk around the block. Also pleasing. Got my map book out of the car on the way back to the cottage to see the route home. Questionable behaviour!

Had a very interesting sit. Breathing meditation for a bit, Just sitting for a bit longer and then the Sevenfold Puja, with the Avalokiteshvara mantra in the middle. I decided to do a full round of the mala beads - 3 om mani padme hum - per bead.

This enabled me to have a powerful realisation. I am grateful for this feeling of fear. It's the experience of suffering that I am here to better understand. If I was all lovely and cosy I might not have the chance to really observe my manifestation of suffering. So, tomorrow I'm going to just sit and observe my fear as it comes and goes throughout the evening.

Doing the mantra this evening ended in an intriguing experience (as part of my realisation about fear) I physically reacted to it. I felt kind of fuzzy all over and light. I kind of pulsated. Not lots of light or anything, hard to explain really. It felt very good.

hen
x

Day 6 - Ping! Metta Bhavana

2008-12-05T23:50:00.023Z

Here I am!

That's better. I woke up feeling all warm and happy. Even though it's raining again. I'm up for it today! Was contemplating... erm.. never mind, I forgot. A bit achy today I am.

Today is a Metta Bhavana day. I'm going to crack it, if I have to sit all day!

The Metta Bhavana - The Cultivation of Universal Love.

There are 5 stages to the Metta Bhavana meditation. After we ground ourselves with a short breathing meditation...

1) We develop love towards ourselves

I conjure in my mind a moment when I have felt deeply happy and tune into that feeling, letting it fill me. I then seek out the aspects of myself that I find positive and uplifting, sitting with this experience for as long as possible.

2) We develop love towards a near and dear friend

I think about my friend, all the positive aspects, getting a real sense of her. I sit with the feeling, as before.

3) We develop love towards a neutral person

I now apply the feelings generated in 1 and 2 to someone like the postman or busdriver, someone neutral to me that I can see in my mind.

4) We develop love towards someone we dislike

"We deliberately leave our hearts open to them. Resisting the urge to dramatise our feelings of dislike to them. You're not trying to condone their behaviour, just develop a fundamental care for their welfare."

WITD Sangharakshita

5) We direct this feeling of love towards all beings and non-beings, everywhere

In my mind I bring together all of us, me, my friend, the bus driver and the person I dislike and I cultivate the feeling of love for all of them, including me. I then think about my closest family members and envelop them in the feeling of compassion and love. This is then emanated out to my neighbours, all beings and non-beings in my country, in the Earth, in the Universe and beyond.

More Diary

Just had a visit form the farmer. A really lovely guy. Been chatting for ages about farming and land. He invited me to the agricultural show on Saturday and said there was a dance in the evening. 'Hundreds of people' he said! I asked him not to tell anyone I'm up here on my own!

Not sure how I feel about visitors. On the one hand it's really nice. On the other hand it's a bit of a distraction from the solitude (obviously). Now I don't feel like I'm secluded, so I can't do some of things I wanted to do. Practice naked outdoors mainly. Doing walking meditation out the front might be a bit distracted, don't know, I'll see.

The illusion of seclusion is so easily burst. We are never truly alone, ever.

I think for my next solitary retreat I need 'proper' seclusion. Somewhere no one is going to come. The Buddha is quoted as saying...

"A forest dwelling monk must delight in a secluded forest and live in it. Kashyapa, a secluded place is a place where there are no loud noises and no deer, no tigers, wolves, flying birds, robbers, cowherds or shepherds. Such a place is suitable for a sramana's Dharma practice. Therefore such a monk should devote himself to Dharma practice in a secluded place".
Maharatnakuta Sutra.

THAT is what I crave. Whether the Buddha was being esoteric there or not, I crave that kind of seclusion. The jets flying over head are very distracting and painfully noisy. I can ignore them to the point where they are rattling the conservatory.

"If you fully realise that pain for our World is proof of our interconnectedness - that it can open us to the knowledge of the web of life - then you will be able to stay rounded in the midst of emotional turbulence"
CBtL pg67

The walk up the hill to the north is lovely. Buzzards, Red Kite, Crows, Hawks all floating on the thermals above the valley.

"The notion that one must find enlightenment, undergo transformation, or get ones head straight first, before dealing with social despair, keeps many otherwise intelligent people in a state of moral infantilism"
CBtL pg67

Found a few magic mushrooms on my journey. Tempting, they'd really give me an experience! Shame I've spent the past few years saying I'll abstain from intoxicants!

Psilocybin

I thought this was a puffball at first when I saw it growing all over the place in giant balls. Then I found this one and wasn't sure anymore. Most of the mushrooms I found on the hill were edible, but I didn't have my identification book with me to help me confirm - I was not going to take the risk!

Lycoperdon foetidum

Vermillion Waxcap

Scarlet Waxcap

Butter Waxcap

Don't know what this one is. I remember hearing about a mushroom that is like bread. That's what this one was like.

It's decided... I'm going to knit a hat with the purple wool I brought with me.

What a beautiful evening. A lovely sit - Metta Bhavana of course. Then a really lovely walk up the hill to watch the sunset. Maybe later if I'm feeling brave, I'll go out and see the stars! Actually I think I'll just look out the upstairs window... ahem...this fear has got to go.

Crescent moon
rising
mountain roots
thin

veiled

setting sun

Day 5 - BoooOOOohrriing!

2008-10-23T12:43:00.005+01:00

Bored. I am so bored. That's all, just bored. I got up early this morning and went straight to the shrine. Uneventful and a bit boring sit, with lovely moments but generally... boring. Had breakfast and then what? Raining properly again today. Gales too. Did a couple of rounds of knitting, the trinity stitch. Which turns out to be really fiddly. Great. *sigh* I wouldn't say I was grumpy today, just bored. Everything is boring. Did I say boring? Oh, god it's 10:13, it was 10:12 an hour ago!!!!

Picked up Dharma Rain. Put it down again. Picked up Path through the Forest. Put it down again. bluerrgh.

So, I cleaned the shrine and tried to bring myself back into line. Had a lovely sit. Although my mind is getting noisier the more I sit. Spinning, had another go. Better than the other day, but I'm not really getting it. Not yet, I will though. I've got a sense for it but it's the gears bit I don't understand. I can't get the wool to go on the bobin so I'm over twisting. Anyway, that was a vaguely interesting distraction.

RIGHT! THAT'S IT! I DON'T CARE HOW BAD THE WEATHER IS I'M GOING FOR A WALK!

A little later.....

HAIL AND GALES! Lordy that was full on! I managed to do an amazing and very productive walking meditation in the protection zone the house gives outside. Really powerful. The elements in full glory, and me, buffeted by it all, getting soaked, experiencing great peace. Oh to be connected in every moment! What bliss!

Had a gorgeous shower and did some yoga. Also lovely. Todays looking up!

Freezing peppers, carrots and courgettes that haven't been pre-cooked works a treat. Sliced into large pieces mind you. Baked from frozen they sort of steam themselves in a very hot oven and finally brown up nicely.

Preparation for Meditation

Ethics -
Control of food, sex and sleep.
Curb aggression (in all it's subtle forms)
A vegetarian diet should be adhered to, conditions permitting, as an expression of ones dedication to a harmless way of life.

Summary -

Lead, as far as possible...

a quiet life
a harmless life
a simple life
a peaceful life.

Edited from Sangharakshitas book What is the Dharma?

So, the time when you are not meditating is just as important as the time you are meditating. The quality of your meditation depends on the quality of your mind. The quality of your mind is dependant on your intentions. To achieve clarity of intention you need to practice sound ethics and meditate. It's all connected and that is why the Eightfold path is so crucial for practice. I see!

" The issue of work, of livelihood, is also an aspect of preparation for meditation. Working at a certain job 6, 8 even ten hours a day, five or six days of the week, year after year, inevitably has an enormous cumulitive effect upon the mind. You are being psychologically conditioned all the while by your occupation. Choosing a means of livelihood that is peaceful and beneficial in one way or other is crucial, not only as preparation for meditation, but as a basis for one's whole development as a healthy human being".

What is the Dharma, Sangharakshita. pg 187

Well, I've frozen all my veg now - of which there is 3 bags too much! Had my delicious retreat scoff while watching the view out of the open window and reading Path through the Forest. Had to rush outside and take lots of pictures at one point as the sky was so incredible. Huge storm clouds veiled with little wispy ivory clouds, backed by an almost black background of giant clouds and the setting sun breaking through here and there. Extraordinary!

This photo really doesn't do it justice at all...

It's coming to the end of Wednesday now. I've just finished an hour and a half's sit and puja. The fear of being here alone almost got me earlier. I did a breathing meditation to calm me down. It did help. I'm totally up for staying here the rest of the two weeks. However, I'm not sure I'm up to it. This fear is growing exponentially, I'm not really sure about the next few days. I almost texted Leo, just now, to ask him to 'please come and stay with me the weekend'. Just to give me a boost. I'd stay in retreat mode and he could go out for walks in the day and just be here with me at night. OOoooooh! I would sooOOoo love that to happen. So much so, in fact, that I've been leaning my arm on my watercolour paints throughout that entire paragraph. poo.

Anyway I've managed not to text him and I'm going to go to bed now and read a book until I fall asleep. Lets see how I feel tomorrow.

Day 4 - The Reality of Pain

2008-10-21T11:28:00.022+01:00

Last night I was reading more of 'Coming Back to Life' by Joanna Macy and something it said reverberated inside me like a ringing bell!

*We have to experience pain in order for the receptors in our mind to kick in with a response.*

There is plenty of pain in our lives, but we spend our every waking moment avoiding it, distracting ourselves with as many different things as there are different ways to feel pain. However, nothing we use/create/buy ever takes away the pain, in most cases it exacerbates it and leaves us blindly grasping. Trapped in a cycle of pain - distraction - momentary release - crashing into more pain - distraction - momentary release - pain - distraction...

This craving for distraction is based on the inane hope that the moment of release will never change. Well, as we all know only too well, change is inevitable. Nothing wonderful ever stays that way forever. So there really is no point in pretending that one day it might do.

*Pain cannot be separated from happiness.*

So in avoiding one aspect of life, pain, we are unbalanced and therefore incapable of truly experiencing the reality of our life.

Here I feel the need to quantify my use of the word pain. Pain has many forms, not just the obvious physical and mental pain that we all suffer from day to day. There are more subtle levels of pain that are possibly equally as damaging but less easy to identify. A general unsatisfactoriness or unease with life can be a result of these more subtle forms.

Joanna Macy makes a very clear argument about the effect the damage to our eco-system has on all of us. But that we find it hard to recognise that pain for what it is.

"Conditioned to take seriously only those feelings that pertain to our individual needs and wants, we find it hard to believe that we can suffer on behalf of society itself, and on behalf of our planet, and that such suffering is real and valid and healthy".

- Coming Back to Life' by Joanna Macy

We have to allow our pain for the world to be experienced in order to respond with the appropriate action.

Often I end up in an emotional heap after watching some disaster on T.V. or reading about horrific events in the news. I could never quite work out why I made myself seek these stories out when I knew how much pain they would make me feel. Well, I think I understand it now. This suffering has to be witnessed. I have a responsibility NOT to look away. Not just for the benefit of those who are suffering, but for the benefit of my own happiness and well being and the happiness and well being of those around me.

If I don't look does that suffering vanish?
Of course it doesn't.

If I don't look what can I do about it?
Nothing.

If I do nothing what is the point of me?
I really couldn't say.

If I look, what is the worst that can happen?
I cry a lot and feel a deep ache.

If I feel the pain, what happens then?
I am motivated to action

If I act on my experience of pain, what does that do for me?
Gives me a sense of purpose, awakens me to the plight of all beings and non-beings, helps me to experience interconnectedness and compassion. Leads me to fulfillment.

Which is nice.

How can I fully practice compassion when I am distracting myself from pain?

How can I fight apathy when I am distracting myself from pain?

The more I distract myself from pain the less empathy I feel and the more I retreat into my little unit. Tricking myself into believing I am more and more separate from the pain and suffering that is going on 'outside'.

We are not separate. We are a part of an intricate web. If one part of the web is suffering all of the other parts of the web reflect that suffering.

*We are not separate. We are interconnected.*

Experiencing pain is a scary thing. I think you need to be tooled up to open up to the pain of the world. Here are the tools I think you need:

A spiritual dimension to your life
A practical dimension to your life
The support of like minded people

In the book they write that we may have a fear of losing ourselves or becoming depressed if we let in too much pain.

"A sense of overarching meaning to our lives is as necessary as oxygen. We can face and endure tremendous hardships with heroic courage, so long as we believe there is some purpose to our existence, some value to our actions".

- Coming Back to Life' by Joanna Macy.

That is why we must face up to the pain in the world. We've lost meaning to our lives. Religion and business try to fill the gap, try to make the gap bigger in some cases, by feeding our need for distraction.

*Distraction dis-empowers us. Leaving us open to manipulation and apathy.*

The common reaction to the mention of any global threat is generally 'I don't think about that because there is nothing I can do about it'.

"Resistance to painful information on the grounds that we cannot 'do anything about it' springs less from powerlessness - as measured by our capacity to effect change - than from the fear of experiencing powerlessness...

We feel that we ought to be in charge of our existence and emotions, to have all the answers. And so we tend to shrink the sphere of our attention to those areas in which we believe we can excercise some direct control.

This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: the smaller our sphere of of attention, the smaller our sphere of influence. We become as powerless as we fear to be".

- Coming Back to Life' by Joanna Macy.

*We do not exert ultimate control over our lives*

"We don't break free from denial and repression by gritting our teeth and trying to be nobler, braver citizens. We don't retrieve our passion for life, our wild, innate creativity, by scolding ourselves and soldiering on with a stiff upper lip. That model of heroic behaviour belongs to the world view that gave us the Industrial Growth Society".

- Coming Back to Life' by Joanna Macy.

"The truth that many people never understand until it is too late is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer".

- Thomas Merton

Day 3 - Harebell

2008-10-05T20:14:00.010+01:00

What a grump I was in this morning. Don't know why, just was. I refused to get out of bed until 9am and only got up because I needed a wee. I then harrumphed around the cottage not wanting to do anything and getting more grumpy at doing nothing. After my brekkie I was so restless it made me grrr and laugh, all at the same time!

'I might as well do some sitting then'. An embarrassing teenage moment. So, resigned, I went upstairs to the shrine and flumped down on the cushion.

I lit all the candles and incense and wrapped myself up in my shawl and began a breathing meditation. It took a while butI felt the gentle wash of peace and zing of letting go.

I then did a couple of rounds of the Avalokiteshvara mantra using my mala beads. Followed by the Sevenfold Puja and Padmasambhava mantra recitation. I then just sat for a bit. I felt so much better! A couple of hours of practice and I felt great! No great realisations just a gentle calm.

This afternoon I tried to use the spinning wheel and then to roll a skein into a ball. Gentle calm GONE! The wheel was just hard and will take practice but the ball of wool!! A huge tangly mess! I kept my cool but decided to call it a day when after an hour I was still untangling!

This is the wool all balled up with a second skein waiting to be done. It's a gorgeous colour that I bought from the Woolly Shepherd.

Had another long and lovely sit this afternoon. The strength of Padmasambhava is palpable. Reciting his mantra DOES make me feel energised and a bit 'buzzy'. What's a mantra eh? A bunch of words in another language (in this case!) said over and over again by lots of people. The esoteric meaning behind the mantra is not completely lost on me but I don't understand how mantra works.

Had a lovely explore (twice) today. Just around and about the little mound that the cottage is on. Lots of harebells. Delicate, beautiful and sparkling with rain drops reflecting the sun.

On my travels I bumped into the local farmers wife on her rounds. She was really nice. She invited me to their agricultural show on Saturday and told me where the local shop was for a newspaper (6 miles away!). She asked how long I was staying at the cottage for and when I said two weeks she was really shocked! "What are you going to do"?? I didn't really know what to say, so just said 'Buddhisty stuff'. Crap, I know.

What am I going to do? What the hell am I doing here?

Beautiful sunset tonight.

I want to get some study done, but I've brought too many things too choose from and can't pick.

That's me allright, I have the same problem everyday.

Day 2 - Second Dayitus, 6 Element Practice

2008-10-01T10:54:00.024+01:00

Had a wonderful nights sleep. It’s raining, so mainly indoory things today. I will be getting outside at some point though, whatever the weather, I need to meet the trees in the garden properly. There are Rowans, Holly, Ash, Scots Pine, Hawthorns, Willow, Sycamores and Damsons. Did the same practice this morning as I did last night. Breathing meditation, puja and then Just sitting meditation.

Then I set to, waxing my spinning wheel. It was a bit fiddly but satisfying and looks lovely. It's going to be great learning to spin here, surrounded by silence and sheep. Can't quite believe I've hoiked it all the way up here to the cottage though.

My brand new Ashford spinning wheel. That's one of my favourite baskets that I made last year too. I'm learning to knit so it's full of wool.

This lunchtime I did a breathing meditation followed by puja and then the Avalokiteshvara mantra (Om mani padme hum ). A short period of Just sitting to finish. I’ve decided to do this sort of thing about 3 times a day. To set the right kind of atmosphere for practice and plan to build up to meditating most of the day.

I’m not having any major breakthroughs or flashes of insight in my meditation. But then this is only my second day! What I am feeling is a soft letting go. I’m not getting any sense of exactly what I am letting go of, it is subtle and it is most welcome.

This evening I did a much longer puja. Including dedications to the Three Jewels (Buddha, Dharma, Sangha). I started off doing the Avalokiteshvara mantra (Om mani padme hum ). So beautiful. In the middle of the puja I felt moved to hold the Vajra that was on the shrine and begin the Padmasambhava mantra (Om ah hum, Jetsun guru padma siddhi hum). Very strong. That is what I need. I MUST reinvigorate myself and use my strength again. I’ve woosed out these past few years and grown lazy, apathetic and been all over the place. It’s energy I need. I don't know much about Padmasambhava. All I know at the moment is that he has a very powerful, energetic and strong presence. Might be something to do with the striking Padmasambhava carving above the shrine in the meditation room!

This is the shrine room. It was a little attic space that was very welcoming and peaceful.

I spent a bit of time trying to go for a walk today, locked gates and barbed wire at every path though. It was a real disapointment, almost felt like an aggresive act blocking the footpaths. The area around the cottage feels very small at the moment. On a positive note... This evening the light was stunning!

The Scots pine at the side of the cottage. The evening light was consistantly beautiful.

*Studying the 6 element practice at the moment. It is basically a meditation on the 6 elements in this order:

Earth
Water
Fire
Air
Space
Consciousness

Earth being the least subtle element and consciousness being the most subtle. Meditating on this helps to realise that in absolute reality we are 'nothing'. 'Nothing' is not a perfect word to describe what is meant though. The term 'nothing' refers to the experience of interconnectedness that leads to the letting go of our perception of self.

* What I've written here is my interpretation of the 6 Element practice. Which is limited to my level of study and contemplation of the elements. If you want a reliably accurate description of the elements have a hunt about on the net for an explanation from a reputable source. I got my information from Sangharakshita's book, 'What is the Dharma?' and from my own experience.

Earth - skin, organs and bones - We feed ourselves from the Earth to live. The solidity of our skin and bones tricks us into forgetting that we are in a process of constant change. With cells dying and regrowing every moment. A cycle of being fed by the Earth and constantly being returned to the Earth, moment by moment. Where in that cycle do we begin and end?

Water - We are over 70% water - This water isn't static, it's flowing, streamlike, through our bodies. It comes from springs, lakes and reservoirs through our bodies returning to rivers, oceans and clouds. This is happening all the time, we sweat, we wee, we cry, we dribble.

Fire - Our energy, our heat - Ultimately our life's heat is derived from the Sun. We take heat in directly from the Sun or through our food that was fed by the Sun.

Air - Our breath, our life - Probably the one element that we can instantly experience as constantly changing. At no point can we say that the air we breathe is ours. We don't generate the oxygen that we need to exist, it is provided for us by trees and plants and in return we give what they need, the Co2 to survive. Where do we begin and they end?

Space - The 'space' our body occupies - If you see that our body is made up of the 4 elements above then you will also see that those bundles of elements require a space to exist in. "when those constiuent parts - 'elements' - have gone their seperate ways again, that space will be empty of the body that formerly occupied it. This empty space will merge back into Universal space." (Sangharakshita)

Consciousness - Our conscious awareness of the elements that form us comes through our five senses and through our mind. What happens when we die? When our consciousness no longer has our senses to feed it? When we die the elements that made us move on to other things, there is no 'body' to be conscious of. Our consciousness is therefore absorbed back into universal consciousness. [?]

This practice is just incredible. It really offers a sense of just how interconnected we are and therefore how 'not seperate' we are. Experiencing our interconnectedness opens up the possiblility that we are not an individual, solid entity, that there is no 'hen' to speak of, there is no bit of me that I can point to and say with conviction 'this bit here is definately what makes me hen'. It's very liberating and a great lesson in humility and gratitude too. I do feel though that I need a bit of guidance on it or some support from others that practice it.

I basically need a teacher and a sangha!!

Tonight has been a bit flat. I can feel the fear creeping in but so far I’ve managed to look the other way. The winds picking up and the noises are making me skittish!

I am not listening to Radiohead, I am not listening to Radiohead, I WILL NOT listen to Radiohead, I am not going to blinky well listen to Radiohe….. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz .....

Day 1 - Arriving

2008-09-25T12:22:00.011+01:00

Settling in ok. It's a lovely cottage with a large wooden conservatory attached and good views of the valley and surrounding hillsides. Very quiet.

This is the cottage...

The journey here was long, but totally uneventful and when I pulled into the last bit of track to take me up the hill to the cottage I was relieved not to feel stressed out from driving. Well, that was until my car broke down half way up a very steep stony bit of the track. The little computer on my dashboard told me that it was the alternator and that I should take it to a workshop. EEEEEK! I couldn't have that, so I let the car sit for a bit to calm down and tried again, it started and skidded and cut out again. I rolled backwards down the hill and round the corner to a flat bit and sat, shaking, racking my brains for what to do next. After 15mins of cursing and pacing. I jumped in the car, it started and I just drove up the hill! The car managed to get up even steeper bits of tracks and finally I was at the bottom of the slope that leads to the cottage. Blimey. Could have done without that!

The cottage is somewhere round the back of that mound...

It's taken me about 6 trips up a very steep slope to get to the cottage from the car with all the stuff I've brought (ironic). I'm exhausted, but happy that I've got everything out of the car and up here, as there are storms forecast for tomorrow.

First nights in new places are difficult for me, I'm sure I'm not alone in that. So I've checked out every nook and cranny of the cottage and surrounding gardens! I've organised all of my stuff, and now know where everything is. This, somehow, makes me feel better and I can settle down with a cup of Rooibos and gaze at the view out of the conservatory.

I've just done breathing meditation followed by the Sevenfold puja and then a Just sitting meitation. All in all about an hour or so.

I'm settled in to my bed and feel lovely, apprehensive, happy and confused. Not really sure why I'm here or what I'm hoping to achieve, but I'm glad to be here anyway! Just hope I can get some sleep.

This is the living room inside the cottage...

Solitary Retreat - Basic Daily Schedule

2008-09-22T13:15:00.005+01:00

This schedule is what I ended up doing naturally after a couple of days of settling in to the little solitary retreat cottage. I stayed there for a couple of weeks and got more out of it than I'd hoped!

Wake up when I want
Quick stretch
Morning meditation - 20 mins to 1.5 hour (Breathing meditation followed by Just sitting meditation )
Precepts and short puja
Brekkie
Study and writing
Walk/Yoga/stretching
Creative thing
Midday meditation - 20 mins to 2 hours sitting meditation (Metta Bhavana and Just sitting)
Walking meditation
Lunch
Study and writing
Walking meditation
Walk
Dinner
Study and writing
Evening meditation - 1 - 3 hrs Breathing meditation, Sevenfold puja & Mantra recitation , Just sitting meditation
Bedtime

Spiritual Background

2008-09-22T10:33:00.002+01:00

Well, I suppose if I had to give it a label, I would say I have always been some sort of Pagan. Throughout my life I have been in awe of the seasons and my natural environment. When I was a child I used to pray to the moon to protect me, I don't know where I got that from, I just did it. That carried on into my teens when walking home late at night and I do it now too, with a very warm feeling in my heart like I'm talking to a trusted old friend. It makes me feel very connected to hen as a child, hen as a teenager and I can almost get the sense of an unbroken chain where we are all looking at the same moon, praying, at the same time.

All of my adult years were spent searching for a Pagan community that I felt comfortable with. Unfortunately I never have found one. Finally I settled on the practices and wisdom of Buddhism. However I mostly use the iconography of my environment instead of Eastern iconography. So perhaps I'm a buddhist pagan. The wisdom is all the same to me. As long as it is conducive to spiritual awakening then I'm in.

As I am deeply passionate about happiness my practice has to reflect that. Buddhism is a philosophy and practice that's final aim is for all beings to 'exist' beyond happiness. That's good enough for me. I am very interested to practice within the Shambhala community and will be exploring that in the near future. At the moment though I am finding myself consistantly practicing within the FWBO.

Choosing one path is hard but I think it is vital for true spiritual progress. So I am very mindful of not picking a bit of this and picking a bit of that to suit my tastes. I practice Buddhism, I go for refuge to the Three Jewels and I use my environment and culture to express and explore that.

So, there we have it. A bit of background.